The Sage, the Thief, the Moron, and the Killer
by Dr. Glove
Summary: AU! Yusuke, Kurama, Hiei and Kuwabara are on a quest to claim eight diamonds to defeat the Saint Beasts! Inspired by 8-Bit Theater.
1. Heroes gather

  
  
Hiei and Kuwabara trudged onward through the forest. Hiei was in the lead. Yo, idiot! Hiei shouted. Keep up!  
Sorry, Hiei, I'm just not that fast. Kuwabara said.  
You know, I wonder why I let you travel with me. Hiei said.  
Well, you could you get rid of me. Kuwabara suggested.  
thought Hiei, imagining himself decapitating Kuwabara. Tempting, I can't do that. If I did, I wouldn't have a human shiel- I mean, traveleing companion.  
And so, they continued onward.  
  
After a few hours, they reached a city. Welcome to Dullsville. How wonderful.   
Yeah, isn't it? Kuwabara asked stupidly.  
Hiei kicked Kuwabara in the groin before walking into the city. He walked around, finding nothing exciting. he said.  
Meanwhile, Kuwabara had walked inside. He saw a sign that read: _Quest of Suici- I mean, Destiny! Groups of four only, please. Registration is in the building to your right._  
Kuwabara looked.  
_Your other right, stupid._  
Kuwabara looked again. He saw the building. Then, he had an idea: Hiei and I, plus two other people, will take this!'  
  
After setting up a registration stand, Kuwabara waited for someone to join. A tough looking guy with greasy hair ran up. So, you're trying to get me o sign up for a quest, eh?  
Kuwabara asked. What's that?  
Erm... nevermind. Look, my name's Yusuke, and I'm a wanted criminal.  
But you just said your name was Yusuke. Kuwabara said.  
The man ignored him. Will this quest get me away from the cops?  
Um.. I gues...  
Good, I'll join.  
  
Hiei was trying to find his human shield when he noticed a (Girl?) running. He shook it off and continued searching.  
  
He finally found Kuwabara, along with that same girl? and a guy with greasy hair. What the hell?  
Hello, I'm Kurama. the girl? said, extending a hand.  
You have no boobs, woman. Hiei pointed out.  
I'm a guy.  
Oh, well... man, you are _girly_!  
I'm Yusuke! the greasy haired man said. Nice ta meet cha, shrimp!  
Hiei took out his sword... 


	2. Registration

  
  
Kurama saw Hiei drawing his sword. He decided to avoid the killing of Yusuke. Uh... look! We have to register really quickly before it closes! he shouted.  
Hiei asked, puzzled. He sheathed his sword. Register for- he saw the sign. He walked up to Kuwabara and kicked him in the groin repeatedly. DAMN YOU STUPID BASTARD!  
Uh, can we just register already? Yusuke asked.  
Kurama said, picking up Hiei by the back of his shirt. He grabbed Kuwabara and then walked with Yusuke to the registration station.  
At the front door, Yusuke saw a sign with his face on it, that said: WANTED: YUSUKE; DEAD OR REALLY DEAD. REWARD: A PIZZA.  
Yusuke quickly put on a hat and followed the Kurama. Once inside, they walked over to the desk. Why, hello, ma'am! the register guy (George) said. What can I do for you?  
I'm a guy. Kurama said. And we're here to register for the Quest of Destiny'.  
All right then, I'll just be- George noticed Yusuke. You know, that hat looks gay, but, you make it work.  
What's that supposed to mean? Yusuke asked indignantly.  
Exactly what it sounds like. Hiei said.  
He makes the hat work for him? Kuwabara asked. Hiei kicked him again.  
Um, guys, you can now see master Koenma. George said. I've registered you suicidal idiots- I mean, courages warriors for this quest already. Master Koenma will tell all the details.  
Hiei walked up to him and grabbed his neck. LISTEN, FOOL! WE DON'T WANT TO REGISTER, WE-  
But we do want to register. Kuwabara said. Hiei kicked him _again_.  
Look, go to see Koenma or I'll show you a picture of my grandma in the shower.  
Now, I'm convinced we should see this Koenma person. Hiei said, truly afraid.  
Hiei and Kuwabara walked through the door to Koenma. Kurama was just following them when Yusuke tapped his shoulder. Does this hat look gay?  
Kurama replied, walking away. But you make it work.  
  
A shadowy figure watched through binnoculars all that took place within the building. he thought aloud. If my instincts are correct, then these are the Fabled Waffle Warriors! I must tell Master Suzaku! he began running off, when he turned around and ran back. And, if my instincts are correct, my soap is on! 


	3. The Quest

"Hello, you must be Koenma." Kurama said.

"Why, thank you, Madame." Koenma (In his teenage form) replied. "But, ummÉ why don't you have any breasts?

"I'm a guy." Kurama said irritably.

"Oh..." Koenma said, embarrassed.

"Look, can we just find out what this quest is about?" Yusuke asked.

"You guys are suicidal?" Koenma asked. He shrugged. "Okay. But first, I need to see your Sacred Waffles.

"What?" Hiei asked. "'Sacred Waffles'? What are you on?

"Look, it's part of a prophecy, okay?" Koenma replied. "This quest is for the Waffle Warriors. And before you ask, the guy who made the prophecy was a drunk.

"Oh, well, _that_ explains it." Yusuke commented sarcastically.

"Just show me the Waffles." Koenma said.

"Oh, my, we don't have any." Hiei said in a fake sad voice. "Looks like we'll have to leave now...

"OOH! I HAVE SOME! I HAVE FOUR!" Kuwabara said excitedly. He pulled four out of his massive Ôfro, each covered in dandruff.

"Eww..." Yusuke said.

"How the?" Kurama began before stopping.

"I'm not even going to ask." Hiei said.

Kuwabara handed the waffles to Koenma. "Why, these are covered in destiny! You must be the fabled Waffle Warriors!

"I can't believe he actually _touched_ those." Hiei said.

"Now, to explain your quest." Koenma said. "You are to collect the Heart, Star, and Horseshoe, Clover and Blue Moon, Pot o' Gold, Rainbow, and Red Balloon Diamonds in order to defeat the four Saint Beasts and end their merchandising campaign.

"OH, GOOD GOD!" Yusuke shouted. "THAT'S THE BIGGEST LOAD OF SH-

"Might I mention that those who complete the quest get $1,000,000,000,000.00 each?" Koenma said.

Yusuke's eyes went cha-ching! "WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR? LET'S GO!!!" With that, he pushed Kurama, Hiei and Kuwabara out the door.

"In counterfeit money..." Koenma added under his breath a moment after they left.


	4. The Saint Beasts and Kamikaze Watermelon...

  
  
The shadowy figure ran to the Four Saint Beasts. He told them all that he knew.  
So... the Waffle Warriors are coming to end our merchandising campaign, eh? Suzaku asked, handling _The Official Four Saint Beasts Flamethrower.  
_Yes, my lords. the figure said.  
This obviously means they didn't like Byakko's CD. Genbu said.  
But I LIKE to sing...! Byakko whined.  
Stop whining, Byakko. Seiryu said. This is a serious matter.  
But of course, we wouldn't have hired you and your services if we didn't think you were competent. Suzaku said to the figure.  
Thank you, master. the figure said. We of TEAM EVIL shall stop those... snigger... gigle Waffle Warriors! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! THAT'S _HILARIOUS_!!!  
_We're screwed._ Genbu thought.  
  
Back with the... snigger Waffle Warriors... AHAHAHA....  
Yusuke stopped suddenly, turned to the others and asked: Why do I feel like some narrorator-  
It's pronounced narrator. Kurama corrected.  
... is laughing his head off while talking about us? Yusuke continued.  
Hmmmmmm... I wonder why... Hiei said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Oh yeah! It's because stupid here signed us up to be the Waffle Warriors!  
Kuwabaka- I mean, Kuwabaka- why do I keep saying that? Okay, Kuwabak- Kuwabak- Kuwabarabaka- OH SCREW IT! KUWABA-GUY SAID, OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Why do I suddenly have the feeling that some narrator is mispronouncing Kuwabara's name? Kurama asked.  
Why do I have to be stuck with you stupid bastards? Hiei asked, again sarcastically.  
Why do I feel as though something random is about to occur? Kurama asked.  
What, you mean some kind of kamikaze? Yusuke asked.  
No, I was thinking somewhere along the lines of a watermelon. Kurama said.  
You mean somekind of kamikaze watermelon? Yusuke replied.  
Suddenly, Kuwabara got hit by a kamikaze watermelon. Then, three cats dressed as Samurai ran by shouting: Fooby the kamikaze watermelon, you shall not escape the wrath of the Samurai Pizza Cats!  
The Waffle Warriors decided never to speak of this again. 


	5. Farodia

  
  
The Waffle Warriors walked along until they came to the city of Farodia. Who names these cities? Yusuke asked.  
Some Author. Kurama replied.  
They walked inside and went to the pub for a few cold ones. So, we're looking for eight Jewels, eh? Yusuke asked, taking a sip.  
Yes. We wouldn't though if this idiot here hadn't signe us up for it! Hiei shouted at Kuwabara.  
Calm down, Hiei. Kurama said, handing him his cold one. It's not that bad.  
Yes it is. Hiei said, chugging it down. He slammed it on the tables GET ME ANOTHER!  
What's up with him? Yusuke whispered to Kurama.  
Low cold one tolerance, I guess. Kurama whispered back.  
Suddenly, a man dressed in completely purple ran into the pub. Will some kind, strong and sexy warriors protect me and my dear museum filled with all sorts of valuable things that could be stolen extremely easily due to lack of security?  
Yusuke's eyes went CHA-CHING! He ran up to the man. We will!  
Oh, goody gumdrops! the man said. You're sexy too! We'll have so much fun...  
Damn it! Hiei said, sober once more. We get to protect a fag!  
  
At the museum...  
Now, this is the Heart Jewel. the owner, Red, said. It's what some group called TEAM EVIL threatened to steal tonight.  
I wonder why they'd have their name be in all caps... Kurama asked.  
Good question! Red replied. And- hold on, where'd all my valuable things except the Heart Jewel go?  
Yusuke hid an enormous bag behind his back. Um... they're taking a walk.  
Red said. Well, that makes sense...  
Hiei shouted.  
red realized what Hiei said. he tackled Yusuke and began beating the crap out of him. AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!  
Kurama looked at Hiei dryly. You're going to be doing this all night, aren't you?  
Hiei rolled his eyes. I wouldn't dream of it...  
  
Meanwhile, on the outskirts of town...  
Karasu approached Farodia. Think you can hide from me, eh? he said to himself. Well, you'll never escape Karasu!  
Suddenly, he got hit by a Kamikaze Watermelon. 


End file.
